Posted on: January 3, 2009 3:02 am

So, what have we learned so far?

My ground breaking analysis?  ~College football is all about the individual match-ups

It has always been amazing to me how much time is devoted to conference talk on this message board.  Its as if somehow what conference your team play in gives you some magical power over other conferences or something.  Its amazing!  Thread after thread of confroentric diatribes about how my league is better than your league.  What a bunch of crap.  Will fans ever be able to stand on their own again?!?

To me, its a commentary on America...especially American sports.  We have become so conditioned not to fail in this society, that when our team doesn't come out victorious, we are so quick to piggy-back the victories of others.  The opposite happens as well.  We are so quick to blame others when things don't turn out our way.  What has happened to personal accountability?  What happened to standing on our own and being strong?  This happens in our work places, in government and painfully obvious to the sports world.  How many times have you heard the blame game at work?  I know we hear it all the time in Washington.  "Its the (insert Democrats or Republicans) fault we are in this mess.  No one is willing to take the blame for anything, so in turn we love to blame others.  And when others win, we are quick to jump in and share the spotlight even though we did nothing to help them achieve victory!

The worst example of all, in my biased opinion, is in the sports world.  The most notorious poster on this board has made it an art form to resort to this behavior.  Again, in my biased opinion, he is the classic case of this dilemma.  He is so afraid to fail, that he has allowed himself to be a fan of an entire conference that has 12 teams!  How sad.  He'll never know failure.  He'll never know or gain the knowledge that a child needs to become an adult.  Failure makes you grow, but if you can't admit you failed you'll never grow.  (Hmm, this explains a lot of his behavior now that I think about it...)

Anyway, so what does this have to do with my thread.  Well, what do you think we have learned so far in this bowl season?  I conclude that the only thing we've learned is that college football is a game of individual match-ups.  Stat rankings?  Forget it.  Individual stats?  No way.  Conference records?  Nope.  Common opponents?  Not likely.  College football is about hat on hat, man vs man, individual effort.  Sure, all of those other things help us attempt to predict what will happen, but are no way a true indicator.  No one knows whats going to happen unless the two teams play the game. 

94% of fans thought Texas Tech would beat Ole Miss.  Were they far off to predict things that way?  If we take the current way of thinking, then no.  Texas Tech clearly had the better resume, more wins, better stats, etc.  But if one would have studied enough tape, it would have been easy to see that the individual match-ups for that game certainly had swung in Ole Miss' favor.  Even a higher percentage of fans knew Alabama was gonna crush Utah.  We all know what happened, but its amazing how individual match-ups change a game.  One players gets suspended, a teammate has to move to a new position, he gets hurt, a couple freshman have to step in and guess what...6, 7, 8 sacks later, the game is out of reach.  One match-up in particular had such a huge affect on the game that no matter how good the resume, or what conference the team played in or what their ranking was...none of it mattered.  It was the match-up and not the name of the conference that swung the balance of the game!

To my knowledge, a national ranking nor the name of a conference ever won a football game!  I contest that we need to move away from the mindset that name of the conference or what number is in front of your name in the poll has nothing to do with how well you play that day.  Its time for college football players, fan, coaches and Americans in general to get back to an era of personal accountability.  Where we take a new look at personal effort and responsibility to ourselves and to each other.  And so I don't appear hypocritical, that includes me.  I guess the better thread to this title would be, "So, what have I learned so far?"  I've learned that's its important to pay attention to the details.  To avoid confrocentric ideologies by cheering for 12 teams at once, to not worry about rankings and to give my team the best I can give no matter what.

Here's to a year of newly found personal accountability!
Posted on: October 22, 2008 12:53 pm

Douche Canoe Award! - Lifetime Achievement

Few posters in history have been able to polarize themselves against an entire board more effectively than our first Douche Canoe Lifetime Achievement Award recipient.  It reminds me of out forefathers banning together against the tyranny of evil men during this country's revolution.
When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation. We, here on the CFB board have dissolved our differences to agree on one lone factual item.  And that is that no one is more truly deserving of the Douche Canoe Lifetime Achievement Award than this poster.  He has alienated all by pretending to be a female, refusing to root for one team, calling everyone a moron and failing to deny drinking his own pee.  He is the ultimate example of douche canoeery and will always be remembered as the first poster to ever to get all of us to agree on the same thing, which is that he is an awful poster.

And now accepting the Douche Canoe Lifetime Achievement Award for being the biggest waste of proteins every created by mankind, everyone's favorite sticktard, the pee drinker himself...Briana Cassells!

Briana could not be here to accept his award.  He said he was too busy working triple shifts at Mickey D's now that all of his precious oil has lost half of its value in the last three weeks.  He still plans to get out of his mom's basement soon, but the move will be delayed until the market rebounds in 2013.  Best of luck, Briana!
Posted on: October 22, 2008 12:10 pm

Douche Canoe Award! - Week 4

This week again was ripe with obvious displays of doucheeness.  This week saw Kellen Winslow Jr. barking up the wrong tree, Jose Canseco appearing again with his nonsense and Joe the Plumber was all the rage...then invoked rage...then was forgotten.

But few potential award winners left a more bizzare impact than this week's winner...

Lou Holtz!

Jumping off of the success of his on camera "cussing" two weeks ago about Texas Longhorn QB Colt McCoy, the legend in his own mind proceeded this week to compare Michican't coach Rich Rodriquez's leadership skills to those of a notorious mass murderer.  That mass muderer, you ask?  Adolf Hitler himself.  Wow. 

Personally, I don't have much repect for RichRod.  My wife is a West Virginian (converted Buckeye...I might add) and for the past few years we had enjoyed watching RichRod keep WVU in the national picture.  Now that he is with the dreaded Wolvechokers...I despise him even more for the way he left WVU.  But to complare him to Hitler!?!  Really, Dr. Lou, really!?!  I know it is painful to watch scUM football right now, just ask Teddy, but it is clearly not the same as genocide.  There are many places I would like to go with this, but genocide is just not funny.  Lou, you should know better than that.  Seriously.

And there you have it folks.  Lou Holtz, douche canoe.

For the Sportsline Douche Canoe Poster of the Week, I switched it up a little.  This person was so deserving of the award, it was a no brainer.

Yesterday, Hetuck1 told us a heartbreaking story related to his ex, the Skaunk.  It seems that Hetuck was able to secure some World Series tickets for a couple of the upcoming games in Tampa.  Obviously, who would be better to take to a World Series game than your own son, but despite his best efforts, Hetuck was unable to convince the Skaunk to let their boy go.  Wow.  How can she even begin to deny her own son a chance to go to a World Series game with his dad, just out of spite.  That is sickening, really.  I hope she gets an an*l rash and can't sleep for a month.

I'm not quite a dad yet (first on the way), Hetuck, but my heart goes out to you my friend.  Best of luck with the Skaunk.

Hetuck's Skaunk, without a doubt, douche canoe.
Posted on: October 22, 2008 12:08 pm

Douche Canoe Award! - Week 3

I thought I'd go back and blog the weekly Douche Canoe Awards.  If you've already read these, please enjoy them as classics.  If they are new to you, please enjoy!

Okay, folks.  It was a tough choice this week, considering all of the possibilities.  Al Davis, Jose Canseco and Chiefs RB Larry Johnson were all on the radar.  But raining down on the competition was none other than...

Dallas Cowboys DB Adam 'Pac-Man' Jones!

If you had less than 41 days in your company's "When will 'Pac-Man' get suspended again?" office pool, you've won!  That is right only took Jones 41 days to get suspended indefinitely.  This time for a confrontation with his bodyguard.  An alcohol induced confrontation, no less.  This seems to be where Goddell draws the line with 'Pac-Man'.  No beer.  All of the other stuff = reinstatement.  Beer = out of here.

By the way, is anyone really confused by the fact that Jones even has a bodyguard?  I mean seriously, is he Whitney Houston or something?  Or maybe this 'bodyguard' is really a 'keep Adam out of trouble guard'.  If the latter is the case, are fired.

Adam Jones + ETOH = Bad News for Kevin Costner. 

There you have it everybody.  Adam Jones, douch canoe.

On a side note, this week we'll have the first CBS poster douche canoe award presentation.

This week was easy for me when I very first saw this post.  I personally think its a bit early to be looking at CFB team resumes.  But some think otherwise and are already starting to 'make the case' for their team by propping up their opponents.

This was very clear when TrojanLuver1 had this take in his "You are WHO you play" thread.

On balance Oregon is a TOP 15 team that is receiving NO Luv from just about all after that USC bounce back game....

But the Ducks, injuries and all should emerge as a 10-2 BCS Bowl game Team....

Wow.  Just wow.  I'm never seen a more blatant attempt at politicizing another team for you own gain, this year.  I'll admit, Oregon is not a horrible team.  But, Top 15?  C'mon.  Really?  If Oregon is a Top 15 team, than so is Minnesota.  Done.

There you have it everybody.  TrojanLuver1, douche canoe poster of the week!
Posted on: October 22, 2008 12:05 pm

Douche Canoe Award! - Week 2

I thought I'd go back and blog the weekly Douche Canoe Awards.  If you've already read these, please enjoy them as classics.  If they are new to you, please enjoy!

Well, if you missed it last time...

Every week on Wednesday's, I'll be handing out a Douche Canoe Award to a deserving person or group of persons who reveal themselves to be the consummate douche canoe.  Please feel free to take these folks "behind the woodshed" so to speak.  I will also be accepting nominations.  Without further ado...

The winner(s) of this week Douche Canoe Award goes to...

The AIG Execs!

Less than one week after receiving a Federal bailout loan (paid for by you and me), the executives from AIG spent $443,000 of the $85 billion loan on a spa trip to California!  The nerve of these people!  They couldn't even wait a week!  Like the great Al Roker said this morning on the Today show (paraphrasing), "Why don't they just put on stripped shirts and wear masks like the old robber-type movies.  At least that might make us feel a little better."

There you have it everybody.  AIG executives, douche canoes.
Category: NCAAF
Posted on: October 22, 2008 12:02 pm

Douche Canoe Award! - Week 1

I thought I'd go back and blog the weekly Douche Canoe Awards.  If you've already read these, please enjoy them as classics.  If they are new to you, please enjoy!

So, I'm happy to announce that I think its time for a weekly douche canoe award.  Frankly, I think its long overdue.  Of course, I would appreciate any nominations or other commentary about those worthy of the award and look forward to seeing everyone take the weekly winner "behind the woodshed".

Without further ado, this week's award winner is.....

Travis Henry, former Denver Broncos RB.

Mr. Henry (I use the term Mr. lightly here), was arrested in Denver today following an alleged cocaine deal.  Here are some of the highlights from the ESPN story.

Man gets pulled over in Montana carrying 6lbs of marijuana and ~3kg of cocaine.  Man says Henry and his friend James Mack supplied him with the drugs.  Man says Henry wanted him to deliver said drugs to customers in Billings.  Man says the customers owed Henry ~$40,000 in drug proceeds and that Henry had threatened him and his family over the debt.

The story goes on to reveal that Henry is the father of 9 kids from 9 different mothers. 

Wow!  Drug running, baby fathering, hamstring pulling, drug test failing former RB, that Travis Henry is one busy man!

There you have it, everybody.  Travis Henry, douche canoe.
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